FAQ  •  Register  •  Login

Aeon - Haypi Adventure Prologue IV

Moderator: Shadetale

<<

Aeon96

Newbie

Posts: 12

Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2011 4:09 pm

Post Sun Jan 16, 2011 12:51 pm

Aeon - Haypi Adventure Prologue IV

This is my 4th submission for the competition, it's a little bit sketchy, but I quite like it, and I hope you do to.
Constructive criticism and ratings out of 10 would be great if possible. Thankyou :)

Your family had been great once. Your ancestors names whispered in reverent tones by people all across the kingdom. Tasked with the guardianship of the eight great relics, they had held the very future at the tips of their fingers. For aeons, the relics had been kept in the safety of your families' vast tower, jealously guarded, but for good reason, in the wrong hands, these great artifacts could cause unimaginable horror and evil.

But no amount of vigilance can stand in the face of treacheary and guile. Your family's mighty and all but impregnable tower was atacked. The relics were stolen by men whose burning ambition went hand in hand with a complete lack of morality. They were loaded on to great ships to be taken to the men's island hideout, where they planned on unlocking the relics' secrets. But, as if it was furious with the dark intentions of these evil men, the ocean rose up in protest and dashed to the ships to pieces in a great tidal rage. The ships and their crew, along with their precious cargo sank to the bottom of the ocean's great depths, undiscovered until now.

Your family's name has faded in memory, obscured by shame and regret. Where once you played gleefully in the halls of your great tower while the adults stood vigilant guard over the relics, you have now been reduced to working in the kitchens of a lowly inn, scrubbing the floors and desperately trying to avoid being beaten by your cruel master. But no longer. You remember a boys name, the name of a friend who you had used to play with so carelessly in those great halls. But he is a boy no longer, having recently inherited the fortune his father had earned as a merchant.

You escaped your cruel tormentors and made your way to his mansion. You begged him to provide you with a ship and submarine, along with a crew, so you could recover the eight relics and restore your family to greatness once more. He agreed, his only payment being cherished shared memories and the promise of glory if you succeeded in your quest. And now you sit here, in one of the great port cities of the nation, at the precipice of your great adventure, your hopes and dreams riding on nothing but the skill of your crew and the seaworthiness of your humble vessels. Your fate rests in your hands now.
<<

Aeon96

Newbie

Posts: 12

Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2011 4:09 pm

Post Wed Jan 19, 2011 5:32 pm

Re: Aeon - Haypi Adventure Prologue IV

Oh, and I know it's shameless, but please take a look at all my other submissions, the links are in my status if you want to provide some much appreciated feedback on any of them. Thanks :)
<<

Hotkate

Newbie

Posts: 14

Joined: Sun Jan 16, 2011 11:35 pm

Post Thu Jan 20, 2011 12:53 am

Re: Aeon - Haypi Adventure Prologue IV

Best one I've read so far. I'd give it a 7-8. Everythings great up until the part about your friend giving you the stuff. Didn't seem like you gave that part much thought. Seems like you got lazy. Give the festival 3/4 of it a 10. Wonderful.
<<

Aeon96

Newbie

Posts: 12

Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2011 4:09 pm

Post Sun Jan 23, 2011 11:11 am

Re: Aeon - Haypi Adventure Prologue IV

Thanks, that means a lot :D
I'll try to work on a new ending for it if you think that was weak, but I'm not quite sure about what to write for it.
<<

Hotkate

Newbie

Posts: 14

Joined: Sun Jan 16, 2011 11:35 pm

Post Tue Jan 25, 2011 1:51 am

Re: Aeon - Haypi Adventure Prologue IV

Keep trying :)
<<

Fortryo

User avatar

Newbie

Posts: 14

Joined: Sat Nov 27, 2010 1:35 pm

Post Tue Jan 25, 2011 3:01 am

Re: Aeon - Haypi Adventure Prologue IV

9 it is very good just needs an action touch
"The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success." - James Bond Tomorrow Never Dies
<<

Aeon96

Newbie

Posts: 12

Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2011 4:09 pm

Post Wed Feb 09, 2011 10:23 pm

Re: Aeon - Haypi Adventure Prologue IV

Thanks a lot for the feedback both of you :)
I haven't really had time to edit it, as I've been so busy recently, but otherwise I would love to make some changes

Return to Haypi Events

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group.
Designed by ST Software for PTF.