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Haypi prologue submission #2

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Foreigner

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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:07 pm

Post Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:37 pm

Haypi prologue submission #2

In a land of treturous terrain, only two kinds of animals ever survived, a Pegasus and a mountain goat. In one particular colony of Pegasus, an uproar of anger accumulated.

A pegasus's pride and joy was it's own wingspan, but even so the most small winged of them all never left the home without a proper grooming. A female Pegasus was generally larger in size that a male, so a female would most commonly have the greatest wingspan. Rhane had the throne this time of year and was one to show it off. Statues were fashioned after her and she was given many gifts. This created the wealthiest Pegasus in history. To Rhane, was only a daughter left to take the fortune after the queen's death. Helpe was only a young Pegasus when her mother died. All the wealth belonged to her before she had even begun to grow wings.

A few years had passed, and Helpe was nearly 5 or 14 in human years and in that time only one problem had occurred. Everyone had expected her to have an even greater wingspan than her mother, but by the age of 2 they knew she was born with a defect, for she had no wings. She was looked upon as a lower being, comonly called a "horse". Every other Pegasus quality was there, but the wings. One day it was decided she was not fit to own the fortune of her mother and it was taken from her, and was given to the new queen, Sarian.

The queen was very pleased and had ordered all but a few treasures to be melted into a life-size statue of herself. Eight chests of treasures were left to the disposal of the queen. All the chests contained the fortune of Rhane. Seventeen of the queens servants were ordered to take the treasures to a land far away, so they would be kept safe. Across mountains and the sea they were ordered to travel, and they did.

They flew for miles and miles until the servants began to complain, but Difen, the lead servant continued to fly further and further ignoring the others. They had flown over the Lipen mountains and had reached the sea, and did not stop. Over the sea they flew with no land in sight, and the servants began to slow down. Two servants had fallen with a chest into the ocean, spilling the goods in the chest. They had passed out from exaustion. Difen changed directions in hopes of closer land. Yet another two Pegasus plunged to the ocean. Difen changed directions, certain he had gon the wrong way. Two more were taken by exhaustion. Yet again he changed directions. Three down, one treasure lost. This continued until the two strongest, Difen and Ralek remained.

Three hours later they hit land, and found no one in sight. Difen had been secretly carrying the last treasure, in a small sack around his neck. He had no clue what it was, but whoever owned it would become powerful, and for the queen, it had worked. He dared a peak inside. There in the bag, was a pair of wings. Pegsus wings. Why on earth would queen Sarian want this? Ralek and Difen managed to keep calm and decided to bury the ninth treasure in the ocean, honoring the fallen pegasuses.Difen and Ralek spent several days there, to regain strength to make it home.

Sixteen days after landing they decided to make the journey home. The flight was simpler considering Difen only had one pegasus to look after, and they both made it with minor injuries. The queen was furious after hearing the news, and banished both of them from the town. One other had been banned along with Difen and Ralek. The "terrible misfortune" of the queen had been blamed on Helpe, for being defected. Difen and Ralek's wings were boud behind there backs so they could not fly back into the city.

The three were left, stranded on the beach past the mountains the servants had flown over. They could not go anywhere, due to the harsh circumstances they were put into. Ralek spotted a boat and got an idea! They could not fly, nor did Difen or Ralek remember the way, but they had four legs and a will to get somewere. They all agreed to Ralek's plans and set sail. This time, to regain what rightfully belonged to Helpe.[/color]
Last edited by Foreigner on Mon Jan 03, 2011 4:39 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Foreigner

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Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:07 pm

Post Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:47 pm

Re: Haypi prologue submission #2

Any feedback would be great! Pls rate on a 1-10 scale
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uranos

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Post Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:32 pm

Re: Haypi prologue submission #2

hm.... maybe structure it a bit more? im always reading wrong lines >>
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Foreigner

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Posts: 41

Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:07 pm

Post Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:35 pm

Re: Haypi prologue submission #2

uranos wrote:hm.... maybe structure it a bit more? im always reading wrong lines >>

Lol sorry I wish they had bigger font to read it!
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uranos

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Warlord

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Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2010 2:54 pm

Post Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:38 pm

Re: Haypi prologue submission #2

[*size=place number between 1-200 here][/size]
without the * btw
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Foreigner

Beginner

Posts: 41

Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:07 pm

Post Sun Jan 02, 2011 10:38 pm

Re: Haypi prologue submission #2

uranos wrote:hm.... maybe structure it a bit more? im always reading wrong lines >>

Is that better?
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Caladan

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Location: At, or nowhere near my computer

Post Mon Jan 03, 2011 2:47 am

Re: Haypi prologue submission #2

Please change the font color. It hurts my eyes to try to read it. I didn't make it past the first sentence.
Beware the Artesians!!
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beatlesfan

Marquis

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Joined: Thu May 06, 2010 12:17 am

Post Mon Jan 03, 2011 2:52 am

Re: Haypi prologue submission #2

Ya, change the font color, i had to copy and paste to microsoft word to read, but pegasus' are kinda weird, and not sure if they go with the story, because how on earth are horses going to pilot a boat???? and get in a sub to search for treasure????
Image
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Foreigner

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Posts: 41

Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:07 pm

Post Mon Jan 03, 2011 4:37 am

Re: Haypi prologue submission #2

Sorry bout that.
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Foreigner

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Posts: 41

Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 5:07 pm

Post Mon Jan 03, 2011 11:10 pm

Re: Haypi prologue submission #2

beatlesfan wrote:Ya, change the font color, i had to copy and paste to microsoft word to read, but pegasus' are kinda weird, and not sure if they go with the story, because how on earth are horses going to pilot a boat???? and get in a sub to search for treasure????

There Pegasus. Pegasus are magical qnd able to preform the radically preformed ^in my price of writing. Lol :lol:

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