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UniHiGuy Prologue Competition Entry

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UniHiGuy

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Posts: 32

Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:16 pm

Post Fri Dec 31, 2010 8:41 pm

UniHiGuy Prologue Competition Entry

In the land of Haypi, there once lived a young boy/girl. He/she lived in a small cottage near the sea with his/her sister, mother and father. His/her father was a merchant, his/her grandfather was a merchant, his/her great-grandfather was a merchant, and so on and so forth to the start of time. One day, his/her father returned home with a great story of eight treasures at the bottom of the seabed. These treasures were not normal treasures at all. If any one person was able to find all eight treasures, that person would obtain a key giving them access to the wonders of the future. Later that night, there was a storm that completely destroyed the boy's/girl's house and washed him/her out to sea where he/she landed on a deserted island, with his/her relatives' screams echoing in his ears. Years later, when the boy/girl was a grown man/woman, he/she was rescued by a passing boat, taking him/her to a nearby coastal city. While there, he/she was given a free trading ship and submarine by the governor of the city to help him/her establish a new life. The man/woman then realized that he/she had been given the chance to continue the trade of his/her family, and possibly find the treasure that his/her father had told him/her about so many years ago, and he/she left the city, ready for his/her new life to start.
Last edited by UniHiGuy on Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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UniHiGuy

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Posts: 32

Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:16 pm

Post Fri Dec 31, 2010 9:12 pm

Re: UniHiGuy Prologue Competition Entry

Also, there could be a sidestory where you have to find your family...
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UniHiGuy

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Posts: 32

Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:16 pm

Post Fri Dec 31, 2010 9:46 pm

Re: UniHiGuy Prologue Competition Entry

Please post feedback. Don't worry I won't be offended ;)
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Brisingr04

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Joined: Thu Sep 02, 2010 11:30 pm

Post Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:09 am

Re: UniHiGuy Prologue Competition Entry

This is really good. Its my favorite so far.
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UniHiGuy

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Posts: 32

Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:16 pm

Post Sat Jan 01, 2011 3:18 pm

Re: UniHiGuy Prologue Competition Entry

Thnx Brisingr!
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Potato99

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Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:34 am

Post Sat Jan 01, 2011 4:31 pm

Re: UniHiGuy Prologue Competition Entry

The only thing I saw that I didn't like was that "relative's" should be "relatives'." (That's because it's plural possessive.) Otherwise I love it.
- Potato99
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UniHiGuy

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Posts: 32

Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:16 pm

Post Sat Jan 01, 2011 5:22 pm

Re: UniHiGuy Prologue Competition Entry

Kk ill change that
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UniHiGuy

Beginner

Posts: 32

Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:16 pm

Post Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:38 pm

Re: UniHiGuy Prologue Competition Entry

Also can you rank this out of 10, 10 being the highest? I'm thinking of writing a book, and would like some general feedback of my writing.
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Brisingr04

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Posts: 11

Joined: Thu Sep 02, 2010 11:30 pm

Post Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:53 pm

Re: UniHiGuy Prologue Competition Entry

I give it an 9.5/10! Could be better, but I'm not sure how you could improve.
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Caladan

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Location: At, or nowhere near my computer

Post Sat Jan 01, 2011 11:05 pm

Re: UniHiGuy Prologue Competition Entry

Not bad, but it reads more like an outline of a prologue, rather than a true prologue story IMO
Beware the Artesians!!
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